Confession #46: I can't imagine marketers picking baby names

Opel ADAM. And some jumping people
(General Motors photo)

I won two goldfish from the Monroe School carnival when I was 8. They lived for about a week, but I still named them Bob and Buster – and no, I couldn't tell them apart. I arrived at Bob and Buster because Bob Crown appeared regularly on local TV commercials promoting his dealer, Crown Dodge. Next to him, usually sitting on a Durango or something like that, was his bulldog, Buster. Seriously, those were the best names I could come up with.

Names for living, breathing things are hard. My parents chose my full, legal name by committee. That's why, when I show off my driver's license, people sometimes die of laughter. But why should naming a car be that difficult? It is, because Opel just picked one of the first names in the baby book.

Confession #39: Grandpa would want more cylinders

Cadillac V8 (Flickr/Hugo 90)

About five years ago, I was standing next to my grandfather watching a commercial for the then-new Cadillac CTS and the announcer was touting its direct injected V6 with 300-something horsepower. My grandfather, long past his driving years but still filled with memories of his '76 Coupe de Ville, turned to me and asked, "Does having a V6 cheapen a Cadillac?"

Grandpa raised a good point. I, raised on turbo fours and preferring condensed European power to the brute force that's long been an American philosophy, thought it was a non-issue at the time. To him, a Cadillac wasn't a Cadillac without eight cylinders. (I wasn't born yet to ask him what he thought of the Cimarron). He never really forgave GM for their downsizing in the '70s and '80s, either. If Grandpa were around today, I wonder what he'd say about the new Cadillac ATS, the 3-series opponent that features two four-cylinders in its engine roster. He'd probably hate it. And, after much thought, I kind of have to agree with him.

Confession #36: Bueller? Bueller? Bueller's selling a Honda?

Car commercials were always kind of a "who's-who" of famous actors doing voiceovers. Did you know James Spader's been the voice of Acura commercials for years? Jeff Bridges has been lending his to Hyundai ads too. And the voice of Mercedes-Benz? That's Jon Hamm, or, as most people might recognize him, Don Draper from "Mad Men." And Draper's partner on the show Roger Sterling (John Slattery) spent the early part of last year posing in Lincoln ads. 

That's all been topped this Super Bowl season by Ferris Bueller. Err ... Matthew Broderick, as Ferris Bueller, playing Matthew Broderick. It's kind of confusing really. Broderick is the star in a Honda CR-V commercial, but he's acting like his character from the fantastic 1986 film "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Only this time, Broderick is a middle-aged actor who plays hooky from work to drive around LA in his CR-V. Is that sad? Well, yes. It is.

Confession #35: Whose Car of the Year is it, anyway?

I remember the holiday season for some notable things. Among them are consuming far too much food that your pants no longer fit, broken Christmas presents littering your living room floor and car commercials that are sillier than normal. Lexus has become synonymous for its “December to Remember” sales event advertisements that prominently showcase a car wrapped in a bow in the driveway as the surprised couple moves in slow motion towards their new RX-GS-IS-or whatever. Corny, I know.

Confession #26: Get in and go for a drive

California State Highway 1 near Bixby Creek Bridge,
Big Sur, Calif. (Google Earth image) 

Easily one of my favorite things about driving is finding a good road without a lot of traffic, on a clear day with nothing else on your mind.

Trust me, it’s intoxicating.

Even though I lean towards the environmentalist perspective that we should all drive more economically and buy smaller, more appropriately sized cars, I don’t tell people it’s partially because we should be saving fuel for drives that aren’t to anywhere or really for anything other than the undiluted thrill of driving.

Finding a good road for this is a never-ending quest. Like a tough addiction, you can be happy with a favorite stretch of pavement for a while, until it becomes too familiar. Then you go out looking for something stronger, more thrilling. It could eventually consume you. Be careful.

The car for the job really matters. It has to be engaging on some level, meaning the Hertz special Ford Fusion isn’t a good fit. But get something that’s only powerful and not an able handler, and you’re again asking for trouble.

Confession #3: Audi is the new BMW

I've never seen the reason for buying an Audi.

Take the A3 2.0T. Why would you buy that over a Volkswagen GTI? The engine is the same kind, it has the same power, the car is roughly the same size and it's basically as much fun to drive.

But the Audi is about seven grand more than the VW. And for what exactly? The badge, obviously.

Audi is the new BMW. It's official.

I'm pretty sure people have forgotten that Audis are dolled-up versions of VWs, in the same way that Lincolns are typically Fords in heavy makeup and Acuras made up from bits and pieces from the Honda partsbin. And there are a ton of other examples.

Don't get me wrong, a Vee-dub is great place to start. In fact, I can't really think of a bad Audi (oh wait, the Q7, which looks like it was modeled after a whale). They're all pretty good to drive, look good (Q7 excepted) and have some of the best interiors. In fact, they're better all-around than most offerings from the other Germans, let alone cars of other nationalities.

Audi would like you to think then that if you want to stand out from the mass of propeller badges, three-pointed stars, and slanted Ls, buy a car with four rings on the grille.

They've succeeded. Because if you're doing about 80 in the fast lane, there's going to be a spikey-haired boy in Oakleys in an A4 trying to race you. So you move to the next lane and get in front of a TT, which is angry that you're only going 10 mph over the limit.

Moral of the story: if you want to be different, buy a BMW. You'll end up with an ugly car though. So you could just by a VW. But then you're friends will think you couldn't afford an Audi.

I guess I'm safe with a Saab for now.