Confession #46: I can't imagine marketers picking baby names

Opel ADAM. And some jumping people
(General Motors photo)

I won two goldfish from the Monroe School carnival when I was 8. They lived for about a week, but I still named them Bob and Buster – and no, I couldn't tell them apart. I arrived at Bob and Buster because Bob Crown appeared regularly on local TV commercials promoting his dealer, Crown Dodge. Next to him, usually sitting on a Durango or something like that, was his bulldog, Buster. Seriously, those were the best names I could come up with.

Names for living, breathing things are hard. My parents chose my full, legal name by committee. That's why, when I show off my driver's license, people sometimes die of laughter. But why should naming a car be that difficult? It is, because Opel just picked one of the first names in the baby book.

Confession #40: Americans dislike some really nice cars

Jaguar XF Sportbrake (Jaguar Cars photo)

The annual Geneva Motor Show is typically a parade of new, sometimes good-looking, cars that won't be available to Americans. It's exciting and disheartening for the fanatics who long for the ability to buy a weird French car in the States, or want something exotic that doesn't cost as much as a Ferrari. But lately, it's carmakers like Jaguar and Volvo who are witholding not only engines, but full-on body styles and new models from the US.

Companies say over and over Americans don't like wagons. I'm not one of them, along with a lot of other automotive commentators – we'd gladly take one over a lumbering crossover that's no more practical and a noticeably less efficient. But people with actual checkbooks have shown exactly what they'll pay for. Volvo, the byword for wagon, doesn't sell any of its V50, V60 or V70 wagons here anymore. The XC70, its only wagon-like model, finds maybe 4,000 new homes every year, compared to around 20,000 a decade ago.

Most people probably don't remember Jaguar, a name more synonymous with luxury sedans than load-luggers, sold a wagon version of its little X-Type sedan in the US from 2005 to 2007. The X-Type itself was a low note in the British brand's history, but the wagon derivative was particularly unloved – I think I've seen three out in the wild in my life, and about as many on eBay. So I can understand the company's apprehension to bring the stunning XF Sportbrake across the Atlantic.

Confession #39: Grandpa would want more cylinders

Cadillac V8 (Flickr/Hugo 90)

About five years ago, I was standing next to my grandfather watching a commercial for the then-new Cadillac CTS and the announcer was touting its direct injected V6 with 300-something horsepower. My grandfather, long past his driving years but still filled with memories of his '76 Coupe de Ville, turned to me and asked, "Does having a V6 cheapen a Cadillac?"

Grandpa raised a good point. I, raised on turbo fours and preferring condensed European power to the brute force that's long been an American philosophy, thought it was a non-issue at the time. To him, a Cadillac wasn't a Cadillac without eight cylinders. (I wasn't born yet to ask him what he thought of the Cimarron). He never really forgave GM for their downsizing in the '70s and '80s, either. If Grandpa were around today, I wonder what he'd say about the new Cadillac ATS, the 3-series opponent that features two four-cylinders in its engine roster. He'd probably hate it. And, after much thought, I kind of have to agree with him.

Confession #34: Car guys need their own table

1972 BMW 3.0 CSi

More often these days, I find myself at a table with several people, some of whom I know better than others. Those people don’t know what a car guy I am, how eager I am to contribute more than my two cents on current automotive trends. There’s always one other car guy at the table, though. Sometimes, he’ll be looking for a new car and you’ll be running down a list of every new model around $30,000. Or he’ll be the guy with a restored 1972 BMW 3.0CS and you’ll have to be careful not to be visibly drooling or express so much love of old BMWs and disdain for the new ones that you insult the inevitable person at the table with a new 3-series.

I try to keep my mouth shut for as long as possible. Flashing your Car Guy knowledge right off the bat is a bad move, since it polarizes the conversation and you’ll spend the rest of the evening either shunned from less polarizing conversation (like politics or religion) or talking in a corner with the one other petrol head. This must be what getting old feels like. 

Confession #29: Admit to a big problem

'Save Saab' rally in Taiwan, Jan. 2010

Somehow it seems fitting that news of Saab’s intent to reorganize under Swedish law comes on a very cloudy, drizzly day in Boston. This is the land of many colleges and therefore many Saabs, if you believe the stereotype that all professors drive Saabs.

The company has filed for protection from creditors before. I remember the day in February 2009 when it was more likely that Saab’s former parent, General Motors, would go under than its Swedish division. And sure enough, Saab found a buyer in Spyker Cars – after a lengthy sale period.

Confession #27: Maxed-out on Minis

2002 Mini Cooper (BMW Group photo)

A disclaimer: I’ve loved the new Mini since I was a boy. I remember being a 10-year-old, rushing to my mailbox and pulling out an Automobile Magazine with a green, then-new Mini Cooper on the cover. It was love from day one.

Anytime a new one passed me on the freeway I started drooling. Any chance I got I took a ride in one. When my friend one day let my drive his Cooper S, I literally leapt at the chance – and nearly got a speeding ticket in the process. I might have been able to swing getting one as my first car – instead of the Saab I love/hate so dearly – had the insurance rates not nearly sent my mother into a panic attack. How do parents give their 16-year-old boys brand-new Subaru WRXs?

Confession #26: Get in and go for a drive

California State Highway 1 near Bixby Creek Bridge,
Big Sur, Calif. (Google Earth image) 

Easily one of my favorite things about driving is finding a good road without a lot of traffic, on a clear day with nothing else on your mind.

Trust me, it’s intoxicating.

Even though I lean towards the environmentalist perspective that we should all drive more economically and buy smaller, more appropriately sized cars, I don’t tell people it’s partially because we should be saving fuel for drives that aren’t to anywhere or really for anything other than the undiluted thrill of driving.

Finding a good road for this is a never-ending quest. Like a tough addiction, you can be happy with a favorite stretch of pavement for a while, until it becomes too familiar. Then you go out looking for something stronger, more thrilling. It could eventually consume you. Be careful.

The car for the job really matters. It has to be engaging on some level, meaning the Hertz special Ford Fusion isn’t a good fit. But get something that’s only powerful and not an able handler, and you’re again asking for trouble.

Confession #24: Impulsive, non-committal type seeks functional, fast wagon for friendship

(Saab Automobile AB photo)

Wagons are perfect for someone who favors diplomatic decisions over democratic ones. And even for someone who wants a quick escape, just in case the choice doesn't work.

Take a detour to Ikea one Saturday? You can spend hundreds of dollars in assemble-yourself furniture and spend the rest of the weekend scratching your head and screaming at an Allen wrench. And then return it in pieces the following weekend while trying to keep the rage to a minimum at the customer service desk.

Have you just started scuba sessions? Dozens of oxygen tanks will fit without drama.

Confession #23: It doesn't have to be a supercar to be cool

Forbes recently published a list of "Cars that will make you cool." To the surprise of probably no one, they're all outrageously expensive things most people couldn't afford in a lifetime, even if they sold some vital organs.

No question, cars like the Spyker C8 Aileron and Ferrari FF are cool, but part of their appeal comes from the fact that they're exotic and unattainable by most. Therefore, are there new cars that are cool and aren't all high-cost, low-practicality sports cars?

2012 Fiat 500 Sport (Fiat USA photo)

Fiat 500: Small cars are cool again because rapidly rising gas prices are making everyone regret purchasing lumbering vehicles that drink too much unleaded gas. Until now, if you wanted a small four-seat car with some style, the default choice was a Mini. And that was great, because the Mini Cooper S in particular is a fantastic car to drive, seats four (or two in much greater comfort) and offers decent luggage space with the rear seats folded. Best of all, it's perfect for parking and maneuvering tight city gaps. While a Smart ForTwo is better in both regards, you could use a Mini as your only car. But what makes the Fiat cool is that there aren't a million of them on the street. Until the 500 starts selling by the hundred thousand, it's cool because it's a great alternative to the Mini, without being a Mini.

Confession #16: Hyundai's out in front

If you had told me, or anyone for that matter, in 2001 that 10 years later, the Hyundai Sonata would land on Car and Driver magazine’s 10 Best List and be one of the best-selling midsize sedan – just behind the perennials Toyota Camry and Honda Accord – I wouldn't be the only person laughing.


But crazier things have happened, such as Lady Gaga and Lindsay Lohan. Or things ending in Gosselin or Palin.

Then it’s less surprising that the South Korean carmaker, part of an industrial giant that used discarded Mitsubishi designs as the basis for its first vehicles, is now being compared not just to mainstream carmakers like Toyota or Ford, but premium brands like Mercedes-Benz and Lexus.

Confession #15: The '90s did, in fact, rock

I stole this from a recent Twitter trend, I admit. But someone stole it from me, because I’ve been saying it for years. Almost 10 in fact.

The 1990s was a great decade. Admittedly, I’ve only lived through two decades and that’s often embarrassing to tell people.

No, I was born after the Berlin Wall fell down, Reagan was out of office at this point, and greed was no longer good. I grew up smack in the middle of the era of the Trophy Kids, where we were awarded for showing up. Seriously, I have the participation trophies to prove this.

But lately, I’ve been on a kick to find cars from my childhood. Late-night searches on eBay and other classifieds have me filtering through an interesting selection of motors that graced the pages of auto magazines from my childhood.

Here’s a sample of what I’m on the lookout for:

1999 Mercedes-Benz C43 AMG
(DaimlerChrysler photo)

Mercedes-Benz C43 AMG (1998-2000)
A lunatic V8 small Mercedes seemed like a crazy idea in 1998, and in the C43 it was. When others this size were still in turbo fours and sixes, Mercedes-Benz shoehorned a big engine and made something hugely expensive and wild. But remember, this is when Mercedes was still over-engineering their cars. So today, it’s a remarkably solid sport sedan.

1997 BMW M3 Sedan
(BMW AG photo)

BMW M3 Sedan (1997-1998)
The E36 3-series (’92-’99) is perhaps my favorite 3-series of all of them. The M3 of this era made do without much of the technology and electronic interference of subsequent editions. But the best of all for me was the 4-door. It’s more practical than the coupe, just as good looking and so discreet you won’t be immediately targeted by the police for speeding. The school superintendent in my elementary school days even had one, with her son's booster seat in place if I recall. If that's not unassuming, I don't know what is.

1995 BMW 850CSi (BMW photo)

BMW 850CSi (1994-1996)
OK, so the 8-series was a bridge too far for BMW. It was too expensive when it was new and not fast enough. But today they’re quite cheap and this, the fastest of all, looks fantastic today. I’ve loved the car since I was 4 years old, when all I wanted for Christmas was a 1/18 scale model of one. It’s not a great car but it’s certainly an interesting one.

1995 Jaguar XJR (Jaguar Cars photo)

Jaguar XJR (1995-1997)
Similar situation as the 8-series. The first XJR debuted in the revised 1995 XJ line, the first revision of the big Jag since Ford took the company over. Arguably the biggest goal of the X300 project was to make the electrics work. They were somewhat successful, but in the process the designers did their part to make it the best-looking Jag until the 2007 XK. And the engineers in charge of power decided to supercharge the 4.0-liter straight six, with 333 horsepower. Sure, it does 12 MPG, but since it won’t start every day you won’t be going very far anyway.

1997 Land Rover Defender 90
(Land Rover North America photo)

Land Rover Defender 90 (1994-1995, 1997)
Think of the Defender as a Jeep Wrangler for Europhiles. It has the same mission as the Jeep, being a relentless off-road bruiser that bruises you if you drive it on-road. There really isn’t an ounce of refinement in the basic Land Rover, as even the seats are vinyl. But of the couple thousand Defender 90 3-doors built for the US, all have V8s out of the Range Rover, which is why even the Brits lust after these specific models. The best bets are the 1997 models, when the V8 was upped from 3.9 to 4.0 liters and came with an automatic.

1993 Volkswagen Corrado SLC VR6
(Volkswagen photo)

Volkswagen Corrado SLC, Golf GTI VR6 and Jetta GLX VR6 (1993-1994, 1995-1999)
My father road tested the Corrado when it first came out in 1990 and hated it. The simple mention of the car drove shivers down his spine, and lots of unflattering words from his mouth. That’s because Volkswagen decided to put a nasty supercharged four-cylinder that wasn’t really fast enough. But Wolfsburg wised up in 1993 with the addition of the VR6, a V6 the size of a four-cylinder squeezed into the tiny engine bay. The result was a fantastic looking coupe with a fantastically smooth engine. Even so, the Corrado didn’t sell, so VW took the engine and put it into the Golf GTI and Jetta GLX in 1995 with similar effects. Thus began the first of the “Grown-up” hot VWs.

1999 Honda Civic Si
(American Honda photo)

Honda Civic Si (1999-2000)
Normally I’d approach a Civic the same enthusiasm as I devote to doing laundry. But then this is when Honda was still making the Civic right, with sophisticated suspension and eager VTEC engines. The best of all was the late-model Si coupe. It came only with a 160-horspower four-cylinder mated to a five-speed manual. It also weighed practically nothing and came with no electronic interference. Finding an example that hasn’t been rolled, tracked or used as a prop in a “Fast and the Furious” iteration is a tough but worthy find.

1991 Alfa Romeo 164 S

Alfa Romeo 164 (1991-1995)
This one’s a crazy idea. I really know nothing about Alfas, partly because they sold a tiny number of cars in the US before they pulled out of the market when I was five. But I do know the 164 shared a number of under-the-floor bits with the Saab 9000, a car I am familiar with. I also know the Pininfarina body is seriously attractive and that you can pick one up for pretty cheap. What I don’t know is a good Alfa mechanic. Still, a good find if a Saab is just too common.

Of course, this is the short list, or at least what I can remember without rummaging through the magazines from the ’90s. There’s just a great simplicity to these cars but all of them could be considered modern somehow (with exception to the Defender, which is just cool). And I think it’s cool to drive all of these cars again, especially if they haven’t fared too badly during the last decade. Though I’m not sure how many more ’90s trends need to come back into fashion. We’re still reliving the ’80s apparently.

Confession #9: Being sold on a badge

It's easy to rag on the Germans. For the most part, it's hard to fault the cars. They may be expensive, sometimes ugly and, well...expensive, but beyond this there's not much else substantial to quibble over. That's why I poke fun at the perfection. BMW offers a setting on many of its vehicles to change the timer on the headlights after the car is turned off. But it's not like you can choose from seconds in increments of ten, it's infinite. You can be sitting in your car, like Jeremy Clarkson, and be fussing over the timer.

But it's the attention to detail and pursuit of perfection that begs to be both ridiculed and appreciated.
Audi has really been on a role lately. Aside from the misstep that is the Q7, there's not a bad looking car in the lineup. And since they're basically VWs, they're well-built.
So it comes as no surprise to me that this year's Green Car of the Year is the Audi A3 TDI.

It's a good looking car. It's practical, and at less than $30,000, it's not horrifically expensive. But like every Audi, it's amazingly well put together. There's no silver plastic inside, but real brushed aluminum. None of the panels have gaps you could run even a credit card through.
There is a problem though, and it comes from VW. The Jetta TDI was last year's Green Car of the Year. And now you can get the same engine in the new Golf TDI, which can be had with either two or four doors.
But here's the thing-- I'd still have the Audi. It might be insane, and a contradiction to what I've said before, but there's something about the A3 TDI I never realized before sitting in it and seriously considering it. But this car really is the best of all worlds. It has a designer label and it's practical. It's quick but it also does 42 MPG. People will look at your key, see the Audi logo and be impressed, more so than a VW.
This car allows you to be image-conscious and pragmatic at the same time. I'm sold.

Confession #8: Ugliness loves company-- at Honda

First there was the Acura ZDX, which I've blamed the existence of on the BMW X6.

Now Honda has shot itself again with the release of the Honda Accord Crosstour, which automags are ready to rag at this point.

There is a reasonable business case for this one. Toyota has burdened the world with the hideous Venza, and Nissan put its toothy Murano out for the world to see as well. Companies think people in these cash-conscious and un-bling times still want unnecessary vehicles. Why would anyone buy an Accord Crossdresser for similar money as the far more practical Honda Pilot, or the cheaper CR-V? And why would you pass up the Toyota Highlander for the Venza, which has two fewer seats, is uglier and gets worse fuel economy?

Honda doesn't understand, like a number of other automakers this year, that the world doesn't want hatchbacks with funny names and bulbous details. What upscale customers want is something European. Something like the Honda Accord Tourer. But that's coming next year. As an Acura TSX wagon. I'll wait for that one.

Confession #5: Ugliness loves company

What is Acura thinking these days?

The downhill march in terms of styling was already starting to happen before they took the handsome TL from 2004-08, and made it into the bucktoothed blob currently for sale today. And being such wise marketers, they decided to fit the top-spec Type-S version with basically the same drivetrain as the more expensive flagship RL sedan, thus rendering it redundant. Good job, guys.

But nothing seems as stupid as their newest monstrosity--the ZDX. After listening to an Autoblog podcast where the three men were discussing Acura's newest thing, I have discovered people who aren't completely disgusted by this car. I don't see why they need to defend it.

The ZDX is hideous from every angle. I've never seen so many cutlines on a car's exterior, nor as many sharp points. The whole point of a sloping roofline is to make a car look more rakish, but I don't see what purpose it serves the ZDX, other than to make it more impractical. It may have five seats and the same engine from the TL Type-S mated to a new six-speed automatic, but let's cut to the chase: it's just a tall hatchback. Who is going to buy this? And more importantly, what made Acura build it?

Oh yeah, it was BMW. Remember the X6? Someone at Acura apparently thought it was a good idea.

Confession #3: Audi is the new BMW

I've never seen the reason for buying an Audi.

Take the A3 2.0T. Why would you buy that over a Volkswagen GTI? The engine is the same kind, it has the same power, the car is roughly the same size and it's basically as much fun to drive.

But the Audi is about seven grand more than the VW. And for what exactly? The badge, obviously.

Audi is the new BMW. It's official.

I'm pretty sure people have forgotten that Audis are dolled-up versions of VWs, in the same way that Lincolns are typically Fords in heavy makeup and Acuras made up from bits and pieces from the Honda partsbin. And there are a ton of other examples.

Don't get me wrong, a Vee-dub is great place to start. In fact, I can't really think of a bad Audi (oh wait, the Q7, which looks like it was modeled after a whale). They're all pretty good to drive, look good (Q7 excepted) and have some of the best interiors. In fact, they're better all-around than most offerings from the other Germans, let alone cars of other nationalities.

Audi would like you to think then that if you want to stand out from the mass of propeller badges, three-pointed stars, and slanted Ls, buy a car with four rings on the grille.

They've succeeded. Because if you're doing about 80 in the fast lane, there's going to be a spikey-haired boy in Oakleys in an A4 trying to race you. So you move to the next lane and get in front of a TT, which is angry that you're only going 10 mph over the limit.

Moral of the story: if you want to be different, buy a BMW. You'll end up with an ugly car though. So you could just by a VW. But then you're friends will think you couldn't afford an Audi.

I guess I'm safe with a Saab for now.

Confession #2: I want a pony car

This is insane.

In all of my roughly two decades of existence I have never had the urge for a Camaro or Mustang. If I bought a V6 version of either people would think I was a tourist if I drove around Santa Barbara. Or assume it was my girlfriend's car.

If I had a Camaro Z28 or Mustang GT I'd look like an idiot because I arms like pipe cleaners. And I wouldn't be able to afford to insure or fill it with gas. My grandmother had a '69 Firebird. Not a Trans Am, but it had a V8. She later swaped it for a new Toyota Corona, and then had a Volvo after. That's how ill-suited that matchup was. With me it would be even weirder.

A few months ago I saw a new Camaro parked in a parking garage. It had manufacturer plates so I assumed it was a press demonstrator. But I couldn't stop looking at it. I walked around it half a dozen times, looking at every detail. It was amazing.

And then a few days later I saw a new Dodge Challenger stopped at the lights. That looked great from every angle too. I nearly rolled into the car in front of me because I was so distracted.

But my new condition only got worse when I was behind a Mustang, stuck in traffic in tourist-infested Santa Barbara. I only knew it was the 2010 Mustang because it's slightly more slanted at each end than last year's. But when it signaled to turn I saw easily the best lighting design feature on a car: the sequential turn signal. I was in love.

The fact I would buy a car just because of its turn signals sounds absurd because it is. Think about it: if you're driving the car you're never going to see this amazing piece of design. And frankly if you drive the Mustang or the Camaro or the Challenger you're not going to see anything while you're driving because the visibility in all three is so bad.

But I can't stop thinking about owning a new Camaro 2LT with the RS pack. Yes I know it's the V6. But that V6 has just as much power as a BMW 135i and it costs about as much as a 128i. With none of the snobbery that comes with a BMW badge.