Confession #53: The thrill of an Acura isn't what's on the outside

2015 Acura TLX (Photo: Acura)

For a while now, people (myself included) had written off Acura as a maker of extremely competent sedans that didn't shout about themselves. Since the high-water marks of the mid-2000s, they took to making cars with bizarre styling that were kind of ho-hum overall.

And since then, Acura made a name for itself by building the insanely popular MDX crossover. Then they made its little brother RDX all V6 and conventional and sales took off. So why even bother with sedans anymore when the market is shifting to crossovers anyway?

Acura apparently bothered with the TLX, their new midsize sedan. Except for its overall appearance.

Confession #43: Acura and Buick's new small cars are Millennial-chasers, but Baby Boomers will be doing the driving

2013 Acura ILX (Photo: Wikimedia/IFCAR)

A day doesn't go by when I don't come across some story about automakers dying to appeal to so-called Millennials, or the twentysomething crowd infatuated with Facebook and iPhones.

That's fine and whatever, but designers and product planners think it's a good idea to incorporate elements of these things into new cars, especially those they want to sell to people of my demographic (well, those of us who are gainfully employed). I like the ability to connect my iPhone through Bluetooth and Internet radio steaming through the speakers is cool. But I do not want to update my Facebook status while driving, or post something witty to Twitter. Product planners of the auto industry, listen up: that's not going to get more Millennials to buy your cars.

What might work is if these entry-level "premium" cars they're pitching didn't look like they're made for our parents. The latest case comes from Acura, in the form of the totally shrug-inducing ILX sedan.

Confession #40: Americans dislike some really nice cars

Jaguar XF Sportbrake (Jaguar Cars photo)

The annual Geneva Motor Show is typically a parade of new, sometimes good-looking, cars that won't be available to Americans. It's exciting and disheartening for the fanatics who long for the ability to buy a weird French car in the States, or want something exotic that doesn't cost as much as a Ferrari. But lately, it's carmakers like Jaguar and Volvo who are witholding not only engines, but full-on body styles and new models from the US.

Companies say over and over Americans don't like wagons. I'm not one of them, along with a lot of other automotive commentators – we'd gladly take one over a lumbering crossover that's no more practical and a noticeably less efficient. But people with actual checkbooks have shown exactly what they'll pay for. Volvo, the byword for wagon, doesn't sell any of its V50, V60 or V70 wagons here anymore. The XC70, its only wagon-like model, finds maybe 4,000 new homes every year, compared to around 20,000 a decade ago.

Most people probably don't remember Jaguar, a name more synonymous with luxury sedans than load-luggers, sold a wagon version of its little X-Type sedan in the US from 2005 to 2007. The X-Type itself was a low note in the British brand's history, but the wagon derivative was particularly unloved – I think I've seen three out in the wild in my life, and about as many on eBay. So I can understand the company's apprehension to bring the stunning XF Sportbrake across the Atlantic.

Confession #36: Bueller? Bueller? Bueller's selling a Honda?

Car commercials were always kind of a "who's-who" of famous actors doing voiceovers. Did you know James Spader's been the voice of Acura commercials for years? Jeff Bridges has been lending his to Hyundai ads too. And the voice of Mercedes-Benz? That's Jon Hamm, or, as most people might recognize him, Don Draper from "Mad Men." And Draper's partner on the show Roger Sterling (John Slattery) spent the early part of last year posing in Lincoln ads. 

That's all been topped this Super Bowl season by Ferris Bueller. Err ... Matthew Broderick, as Ferris Bueller, playing Matthew Broderick. It's kind of confusing really. Broderick is the star in a Honda CR-V commercial, but he's acting like his character from the fantastic 1986 film "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." Only this time, Broderick is a middle-aged actor who plays hooky from work to drive around LA in his CR-V. Is that sad? Well, yes. It is.

Confession #35: Whose Car of the Year is it, anyway?

I remember the holiday season for some notable things. Among them are consuming far too much food that your pants no longer fit, broken Christmas presents littering your living room floor and car commercials that are sillier than normal. Lexus has become synonymous for its “December to Remember” sales event advertisements that prominently showcase a car wrapped in a bow in the driveway as the surprised couple moves in slow motion towards their new RX-GS-IS-or whatever. Corny, I know.

Confession #33: Give Saab a chance, but don't hold your breath

2012 Saab 9-3 Independence Edition Convertible (left),
Saab 9-5 SportCombi,Saab 9-3 Griffin SportCombi,
Saab 9-4x and PhoeniX concept car (Saab Automobie AB photo)

Last February, I was pretty elated when Spyker closed the deal to rescue Saab from the crusher of liquidation following an aborted attempt from tiny supercar maker Koenigsegg to buy the fellow Swedish brand from a bankrupt General Motors. I kept looking at my iPhone for news about the deal, occasionally getting death stares from a professor while she was talking about something. I’m not one to text during class, but Saab’s fate was fascinating to me.

The news this Halloween that Saab will be allowed to continue its second reorganization plan now that two Chinese companies you’ve never heard of will buy the carmaker and invest in it hasn’t got me quite so giddy. Pang Da and Youngman aren’t exactly big-time players in the China automotive, not like Volvo’s owner Geely anyway. Pang Da doesn’t actually make cars either; it’s a distribution company. It’s kind of like when Roger Penske’s company tried to buy Saturn, only this time Pang Da’s collaborating 40/60 with Youngman (an auto company) and Saab has its own engineers and plants.

The Chinese firms want to finally give Saab not only a serious distribution arm in their country, but produce three new model lines – including a large crossover and a small 9-1 compact rival to the Mini.

Confession #24: Impulsive, non-committal type seeks functional, fast wagon for friendship

(Saab Automobile AB photo)

Wagons are perfect for someone who favors diplomatic decisions over democratic ones. And even for someone who wants a quick escape, just in case the choice doesn't work.

Take a detour to Ikea one Saturday? You can spend hundreds of dollars in assemble-yourself furniture and spend the rest of the weekend scratching your head and screaming at an Allen wrench. And then return it in pieces the following weekend while trying to keep the rage to a minimum at the customer service desk.

Have you just started scuba sessions? Dozens of oxygen tanks will fit without drama.

Confession #8: Ugliness loves company-- at Honda

First there was the Acura ZDX, which I've blamed the existence of on the BMW X6.

Now Honda has shot itself again with the release of the Honda Accord Crosstour, which automags are ready to rag at this point.

There is a reasonable business case for this one. Toyota has burdened the world with the hideous Venza, and Nissan put its toothy Murano out for the world to see as well. Companies think people in these cash-conscious and un-bling times still want unnecessary vehicles. Why would anyone buy an Accord Crossdresser for similar money as the far more practical Honda Pilot, or the cheaper CR-V? And why would you pass up the Toyota Highlander for the Venza, which has two fewer seats, is uglier and gets worse fuel economy?

Honda doesn't understand, like a number of other automakers this year, that the world doesn't want hatchbacks with funny names and bulbous details. What upscale customers want is something European. Something like the Honda Accord Tourer. But that's coming next year. As an Acura TSX wagon. I'll wait for that one.

Confession #5: Ugliness loves company

What is Acura thinking these days?

The downhill march in terms of styling was already starting to happen before they took the handsome TL from 2004-08, and made it into the bucktoothed blob currently for sale today. And being such wise marketers, they decided to fit the top-spec Type-S version with basically the same drivetrain as the more expensive flagship RL sedan, thus rendering it redundant. Good job, guys.

But nothing seems as stupid as their newest monstrosity--the ZDX. After listening to an Autoblog podcast where the three men were discussing Acura's newest thing, I have discovered people who aren't completely disgusted by this car. I don't see why they need to defend it.

The ZDX is hideous from every angle. I've never seen so many cutlines on a car's exterior, nor as many sharp points. The whole point of a sloping roofline is to make a car look more rakish, but I don't see what purpose it serves the ZDX, other than to make it more impractical. It may have five seats and the same engine from the TL Type-S mated to a new six-speed automatic, but let's cut to the chase: it's just a tall hatchback. Who is going to buy this? And more importantly, what made Acura build it?

Oh yeah, it was BMW. Remember the X6? Someone at Acura apparently thought it was a good idea.

Confession #3: Audi is the new BMW

I've never seen the reason for buying an Audi.

Take the A3 2.0T. Why would you buy that over a Volkswagen GTI? The engine is the same kind, it has the same power, the car is roughly the same size and it's basically as much fun to drive.

But the Audi is about seven grand more than the VW. And for what exactly? The badge, obviously.

Audi is the new BMW. It's official.

I'm pretty sure people have forgotten that Audis are dolled-up versions of VWs, in the same way that Lincolns are typically Fords in heavy makeup and Acuras made up from bits and pieces from the Honda partsbin. And there are a ton of other examples.

Don't get me wrong, a Vee-dub is great place to start. In fact, I can't really think of a bad Audi (oh wait, the Q7, which looks like it was modeled after a whale). They're all pretty good to drive, look good (Q7 excepted) and have some of the best interiors. In fact, they're better all-around than most offerings from the other Germans, let alone cars of other nationalities.

Audi would like you to think then that if you want to stand out from the mass of propeller badges, three-pointed stars, and slanted Ls, buy a car with four rings on the grille.

They've succeeded. Because if you're doing about 80 in the fast lane, there's going to be a spikey-haired boy in Oakleys in an A4 trying to race you. So you move to the next lane and get in front of a TT, which is angry that you're only going 10 mph over the limit.

Moral of the story: if you want to be different, buy a BMW. You'll end up with an ugly car though. So you could just by a VW. But then you're friends will think you couldn't afford an Audi.

I guess I'm safe with a Saab for now.