Confession #61: The loss of Top Gear as I know it stings like the loss of a show about gays

I hesitate to write about Jeremy Clarkson. There was something inevitable about his lashing out and subsequent firing from the BBC and Top Gear. But the fact the effective end of the car show as I was introduced to it came almost at the same time as the cancellation of Looking, the show I loved to hate. And suddenly, two shows I loved were done.

Confession #60: Better car dealers are not made with better decor

Photo: Creative Commons/Flickr

How important is a marble floor, free coffee and some nice chairs? Or an off-road test track and consistent branding? And is any of this important for your local car dealership?

Not if the dealers are hard to get to and still difficult to deal with once you get there.

Confession #59: The SUV-sedan is the strangest combination that won't go away

Most wagon fans have come to terms as much as possible with jacked-up wagons, if only as a way of keeping the breed alive somehow. With successes like the Subaru Outback, you can't really argue with it – and it's about all of the SUV many, many people need.

But the offshoot of this wagon-with-cladding trend is the curious sedan-with-cladding, the likes of which haven't been seen since 2007. Thanks to Volvo and the S60 Cross Country, it's back and as charmingly confusing as ever.

Confession #58: Mercedes now makes the wildest hot hatches, or whatever they're called

Look, Daimler. I don't know where you're hiding the old Mercedes-Benz, but I'm starting not to care. I longed for the days of the stoic W124s, but Stuttgart has embraced its lunatic side and it's having startlingly seductive results.

Case in point is the newly announced Mercedes CLA45 AMG Shooting Brake. Dear God, it's pretty much everything I've ever wanted.

Confession #57: You can laugh at Peugeot-Citroen's US plans until they actually return

Citroen DS5 (Photo: Citroen)

Please forgive those of us on the Internet for getting giddy over the phrases "PSA" and "US re-entry" in the same headline. Seeing the things French automakers are putting on the auto show stands in Europe and China these days makes us American car fans envious.

After these latest quotes from brand exec Yves Bonnefort pushing PSA's DS premium line of Citroens, there's a glimmer of hope we may finally get French cars in the US sometime next decade. Or maybe it's just another false start to trick the auto scribes and bolster the pessimists.

Whatever the reality, importing a line of upscale DS cars doesn't sound totally out of the realm of possibility in this age of premium brands for the masses.

Confession #55: The Jaguar XE needs to be special so we can never say X-Type again

Jaguar XE (Photos: Jaguar)

The Jaguar XE is supposed to make you think of the future. The company wants you to look at it and see your future car, more than anything else. But it represents the company's future volume brand, and reassuring its future altogether.

Which is unfortunate because that's exactly what they wanted you to think 13 years ago with another small sedan that began with an X. The Jaguar X-Type was that compact BMW 3-series-fighter that was supposed to propel Jaguar into the mainstream luxury world once and for all. And it's mentioned in just about everything written about the XE this week. I quit counting after about a bazillion.

Would anyone remember the X-Type if the auto-writing world didn't bother to mention it every now and then?

Confession #53: The thrill of an Acura isn't what's on the outside

2015 Acura TLX (Photo: Acura)

For a while now, people (myself included) had written off Acura as a maker of extremely competent sedans that didn't shout about themselves. Since the high-water marks of the mid-2000s, they took to making cars with bizarre styling that were kind of ho-hum overall.

And since then, Acura made a name for itself by building the insanely popular MDX crossover. Then they made its little brother RDX all V6 and conventional and sales took off. So why even bother with sedans anymore when the market is shifting to crossovers anyway?

Acura apparently bothered with the TLX, their new midsize sedan. Except for its overall appearance.

Confession #52: It should be easy to make a Subaru Outback

2015 Subaru Outback (Photo: Subaru)

The Subaru Outback is an important vehicle, and a surprising one. It has succeeded where the AMC Eagle and Matra Rancho failed. It's a wagon masquerading as an SUV that people actually take seriously.

It didn't happen overnight, but in about 20 years the Outback has gone from a niche vehicle to being Subaru's second-best seller and catapulting the brand itself from a quirky bit player in the US to a less quirky, significant player in the US. Subaru keeps having its "best month ever" for US sales they could really find a new way to say that.

But it's partly due to the Outback, a reasonably simple concept. So why can't anyone else make a serious rival?

Confession #50: It's crazy not to bring the Smart ForFour to the US

Daimler's third go at making the Smart ForTwo super small city car concept work looks good so far. Leave it to the French, Renault in this case, to finally make the Smart as weird as it should be. But it's the four-door, four-seat ForFour that could be a hit. And best of all, it looks ridiculous.

Where it could really work is in the United States. Six years ago, the Smart proved relatively popular as far as tiny European cars go. But five years ago, it entered into a sales spiral it never recovered from – even after Daimler stepped in to distribute the car and introduced a really cheap electric version. Americans want more doors and more space. And that's exactly what Daimler is going to keep from Americans.

Confession #48: Buick and Cadillac need each other right now

Buick Regal GS, Cadillac CTS (Photos: GM)

I absolutely feel for Cadillac right now. In my lifetime, there have been at least five big pushes to tell people "This is not your grandfather's Cadillac." And it's really only now the product has pretty much backed up that claim. That's why it sucks sales are spiraling.

It can't help that there's been a jumble of leaders over the past couple years at GM's most prestigious brand. And even after a sales bump in 2013, the momentum has been lost.

Confession #47: There aren't enough selfish people anymore to buy two-door cars

Photo: Honda

Just because a car only has one door on each side doesn't make it sexier than something that has four. But try telling this to people who insist on only having two-doors. Like a surprising amount of people I've known in my life. They tend to be single, or divorced, or childless, or not very practical. Selfish is probably too strong of a word, but it's something along those lines.

Perhaps it's the more pragmatic times we're living in these days that are making people a little more caring – caring enough to buy more and more vehicles with four doors and at least two rows of seats. And that's killing the (relatively) inexpensive two-door car. That includes coupes and convertibles.

Confession #46: I can't imagine marketers picking baby names

Opel ADAM. And some jumping people
(General Motors photo)

I won two goldfish from the Monroe School carnival when I was 8. They lived for about a week, but I still named them Bob and Buster – and no, I couldn't tell them apart. I arrived at Bob and Buster because Bob Crown appeared regularly on local TV commercials promoting his dealer, Crown Dodge. Next to him, usually sitting on a Durango or something like that, was his bulldog, Buster. Seriously, those were the best names I could come up with.

Names for living, breathing things are hard. My parents chose my full, legal name by committee. That's why, when I show off my driver's license, people sometimes die of laughter. But why should naming a car be that difficult? It is, because Opel just picked one of the first names in the baby book.

Confession #45: I drive an old car, and that's perfectly fine

(Zac Estrada photo – Click for more photos of cars in Cuba)

The average age of the cars on the road today is 11 years old. In theory, the average car in this country could enter the sixth grade. The notion that Americans buy and sell a car every three years is completely gone. It could be the economy and continuously tight credit situations forcing people to keep their cars longer. Or it could be that cars from that era are just too good to give up.

Think about the time period these cars fall into. The late '90/early '00s time period produced some seriously good machines, a few of which haven't really been bettered by their successors. I'm starting to understand all of those people who've only owned Golf Mk2s or E39 BMWs because they say they were never beaten. Or my grandfather, great automotive philosopher he was, who searched for a car he liked better than a VW Beetle and never found one. Let's ignore that, OK?

Confession #43: Acura and Buick's new small cars are Millennial-chasers, but Baby Boomers will be doing the driving

2013 Acura ILX (Photo: Wikimedia/IFCAR)

A day doesn't go by when I don't come across some story about automakers dying to appeal to so-called Millennials, or the twentysomething crowd infatuated with Facebook and iPhones.

That's fine and whatever, but designers and product planners think it's a good idea to incorporate elements of these things into new cars, especially those they want to sell to people of my demographic (well, those of us who are gainfully employed). I like the ability to connect my iPhone through Bluetooth and Internet radio steaming through the speakers is cool. But I do not want to update my Facebook status while driving, or post something witty to Twitter. Product planners of the auto industry, listen up: that's not going to get more Millennials to buy your cars.

What might work is if these entry-level "premium" cars they're pitching didn't look like they're made for our parents. The latest case comes from Acura, in the form of the totally shrug-inducing ILX sedan.

Confession #40: Americans dislike some really nice cars

Jaguar XF Sportbrake (Jaguar Cars photo)

The annual Geneva Motor Show is typically a parade of new, sometimes good-looking, cars that won't be available to Americans. It's exciting and disheartening for the fanatics who long for the ability to buy a weird French car in the States, or want something exotic that doesn't cost as much as a Ferrari. But lately, it's carmakers like Jaguar and Volvo who are witholding not only engines, but full-on body styles and new models from the US.

Companies say over and over Americans don't like wagons. I'm not one of them, along with a lot of other automotive commentators – we'd gladly take one over a lumbering crossover that's no more practical and a noticeably less efficient. But people with actual checkbooks have shown exactly what they'll pay for. Volvo, the byword for wagon, doesn't sell any of its V50, V60 or V70 wagons here anymore. The XC70, its only wagon-like model, finds maybe 4,000 new homes every year, compared to around 20,000 a decade ago.

Most people probably don't remember Jaguar, a name more synonymous with luxury sedans than load-luggers, sold a wagon version of its little X-Type sedan in the US from 2005 to 2007. The X-Type itself was a low note in the British brand's history, but the wagon derivative was particularly unloved – I think I've seen three out in the wild in my life, and about as many on eBay. So I can understand the company's apprehension to bring the stunning XF Sportbrake across the Atlantic.

Confession #37: The bicker and banter begins just after halftime

If there's one thing the new Chrysler (after an Obama Administration-orchestrated rescue package and Fiat's savior Sergio Marchionne took the wheel) has been able to do, it's start a conversation after a lavish and polished Super Bowl commercial. If there's one bright spot in this absolutely heartbreaking Super Bowl (look to your right to see where I live), it's that some of the car ads this year were genuinely good. That doesn't always happen.

But while Chrysler seemed to steer the talk towards their cars last year after Eminem pulled up in front of the Fox Theater in a Chrysler 200, the discussion is all about Clint Eastwood this year. More specifically, what the veteran actor and director meant when he said in the "Halftime in America" two-minute spot before the Giants squashed the Patriots' lead.

Confession #34: Car guys need their own table

1972 BMW 3.0 CSi

More often these days, I find myself at a table with several people, some of whom I know better than others. Those people don’t know what a car guy I am, how eager I am to contribute more than my two cents on current automotive trends. There’s always one other car guy at the table, though. Sometimes, he’ll be looking for a new car and you’ll be running down a list of every new model around $30,000. Or he’ll be the guy with a restored 1972 BMW 3.0CS and you’ll have to be careful not to be visibly drooling or express so much love of old BMWs and disdain for the new ones that you insult the inevitable person at the table with a new 3-series.

I try to keep my mouth shut for as long as possible. Flashing your Car Guy knowledge right off the bat is a bad move, since it polarizes the conversation and you’ll spend the rest of the evening either shunned from less polarizing conversation (like politics or religion) or talking in a corner with the one other petrol head. This must be what getting old feels like. 

Confession #33: Give Saab a chance, but don't hold your breath

2012 Saab 9-3 Independence Edition Convertible (left),
Saab 9-5 SportCombi,Saab 9-3 Griffin SportCombi,
Saab 9-4x and PhoeniX concept car (Saab Automobie AB photo)

Last February, I was pretty elated when Spyker closed the deal to rescue Saab from the crusher of liquidation following an aborted attempt from tiny supercar maker Koenigsegg to buy the fellow Swedish brand from a bankrupt General Motors. I kept looking at my iPhone for news about the deal, occasionally getting death stares from a professor while she was talking about something. I’m not one to text during class, but Saab’s fate was fascinating to me.

The news this Halloween that Saab will be allowed to continue its second reorganization plan now that two Chinese companies you’ve never heard of will buy the carmaker and invest in it hasn’t got me quite so giddy. Pang Da and Youngman aren’t exactly big-time players in the China automotive, not like Volvo’s owner Geely anyway. Pang Da doesn’t actually make cars either; it’s a distribution company. It’s kind of like when Roger Penske’s company tried to buy Saturn, only this time Pang Da’s collaborating 40/60 with Youngman (an auto company) and Saab has its own engineers and plants.

The Chinese firms want to finally give Saab not only a serious distribution arm in their country, but produce three new model lines – including a large crossover and a small 9-1 compact rival to the Mini.

Confession #32: You’d never feel the same way about a microwave as you do about a Swiss Army knife

2011 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland
(Chrysler Group LLC photo)

I met someone the other day who described his perils in car shopping. It didn’t start well, as he went out, hungover and somewhere in the Boston suburbs where the accents get thick, on a windy Saturday morning. He wandered into some dealerships, looking at some lightly used cars and then questioning their smells. Then he tried some new cars and came away unimpressed by just about everything he drove. But coming from his Porsche Cayman into something large and with four-wheel drive, I’d probably feel similarly. He did, however, like the Jeep Grand Cherokee, but came away feeling a little cold about it, perhaps like it was a little too sensible despite its go-anywhere capabilities.

The Grand Cherokee was a founding member of the ’90s suburban grocery getter, the SUV, and perennial also-ran to the Ford Explorer. Both kind of lost their way and popularity in the 2000s, but recently reinvented themselves. Jeep took the Grand Cherokee back to its roots and made something that was just as good on-road as it was off. Yes, you have to select a few option packages to get the Grand Cherokee “trail rated” these days, but it’s still as capable as any Jeep before. What’s more, it finally has the quality of materials befitting of a $40-50,000 car, which is what the upmarket Overland models cost now.

Confession #29: Admit to a big problem

'Save Saab' rally in Taiwan, Jan. 2010

Somehow it seems fitting that news of Saab’s intent to reorganize under Swedish law comes on a very cloudy, drizzly day in Boston. This is the land of many colleges and therefore many Saabs, if you believe the stereotype that all professors drive Saabs.

The company has filed for protection from creditors before. I remember the day in February 2009 when it was more likely that Saab’s former parent, General Motors, would go under than its Swedish division. And sure enough, Saab found a buyer in Spyker Cars – after a lengthy sale period.